From Darkness to Light...Stories of Hope and Survival
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Lisa's Story
What happened?:
I was in an emotionally, psychologically, and sexually abusive relationship for 21 years. I didn't know it was abuse
because it happened so gradually. Eventually my self-esteem, self confidence and self-worth were destroyed,
and I became afraid to do anything or make any decisions. I thought I was stupid, incompetent, a moron and an
idiot. I hated myself.
How did you deal with it?:
I withdrew into myself. I subconsciously built a wall around me so that the hurt went in, but nothing came out. I
numbed-down my emotions to the point where I wasn't able to feel or think. I just didn't what I had to do or what I
was told to do. In spite of the way he treated me, I convinced myself that we had a wonderful marriage and I
couldn't imagine not being with him for the rest of my life. In public, I pretended like I was perfectly happy.
How did you change the situation?:
After 19 1/2 years, two friends took me aside and asked me how could I let him treat me AND the kids like that.
That "AND the kids" cut through the fog and rattled something inside me. I was so firmly entrenched behind my
wall at that point that I thought that I was the only one he was treating badly. The next day he gave me such a
vicious verbal lashing in front of the kids over a road map that I snapped. I began fighting back, and when I
realized that I was taking to a brick wall, I finally gathered the courage to leave. It took 18 months.
What/who helped you get stronger?:
For the first 9 months after I left I was basically on my own. It was very difficult, lonely, scary, and I hated myself
for ruining our family. Almost everyone was shocked and blamed everything on me, and I didn't even realize at
the time that I was a victim of domestic violence, so I couldn't even defend myself. All I knew was that the way he
was treating me was hurting me. They called me "selfish." It wasn't until 2 years later, after our divorce became
final, that I found out that I was indeed an abuse victim. What kept me from going back was my gut instincts. I
knew instinctively that he wasn't going to change, and even though he promised me the sun, moon, stars and
universe, I knew I couldn't go back. Even though my family, who lived out of state, supported me emotionally, they
still blamed me until they learned more on the subject of domestic violence. I had a few friends from the
beginning who realized what had happened to me and supported me emotionally, and they helped to keep me
going and sane. But for the most part, until I started seeking help after 2 years, I was fighting an uphill battle by
myself. By forcing myself to do simple things that I was afraid to do, going to a shelter training class, joining a
wonderful support group, and finally purchasing my own fixer-upper house I was able to regain my self
confidence and self-esteem.
Advice to someone who is being abused?:
Educate yourself about domestic abuse and what it has done to you. You are a lot stronger and smarter than
you think you are, and you CAN get out! Just the fact that you are still alive and kicking proves it. Gather all the
strength and support networks you need to make your move, and then DO it when you are ready. Then DON'T
LOOK BACK!! You will want people around you who can give help and guidance, or just to lend a sympathetic
ear, but ultimately, the only one you can count on to take care of yourself is YOU! No one else can or will do it for
you. You are all you've got, so trust your gut instincts. Don't let anyone talk you into doing something that you
don't feel is right - ESPECIALLY you're abuser! Life might be extremely difficult and scary at first, but whatever
you do - DON'T GO BACK!! Life WILL get better. And always remember this - no matter what anybody says - you
didn't deserve to be treated like that, there is no excuse for what he's doing to you, and HE'S NOT WORTH IT!!
Without him you will have a life, with him - you won't!
What happened?:
I was in an emotionally, psychologically, and sexually abusive relationship for 21 years. I didn't know it was abuse
because it happened so gradually. Eventually my self-esteem, self confidence and self-worth were destroyed,
and I became afraid to do anything or make any decisions. I thought I was stupid, incompetent, a moron and an
idiot. I hated myself.
How did you deal with it?:
I withdrew into myself. I subconsciously built a wall around me so that the hurt went in, but nothing came out. I
numbed-down my emotions to the point where I wasn't able to feel or think. I just didn't what I had to do or what I
was told to do. In spite of the way he treated me, I convinced myself that we had a wonderful marriage and I
couldn't imagine not being with him for the rest of my life. In public, I pretended like I was perfectly happy.
How did you change the situation?:
After 19 1/2 years, two friends took me aside and asked me how could I let him treat me AND the kids like that.
That "AND the kids" cut through the fog and rattled something inside me. I was so firmly entrenched behind my
wall at that point that I thought that I was the only one he was treating badly. The next day he gave me such a
vicious verbal lashing in front of the kids over a road map that I snapped. I began fighting back, and when I
realized that I was taking to a brick wall, I finally gathered the courage to leave. It took 18 months.
What/who helped you get stronger?:
For the first 9 months after I left I was basically on my own. It was very difficult, lonely, scary, and I hated myself
for ruining our family. Almost everyone was shocked and blamed everything on me, and I didn't even realize at
the time that I was a victim of domestic violence, so I couldn't even defend myself. All I knew was that the way he
was treating me was hurting me. They called me "selfish." It wasn't until 2 years later, after our divorce became
final, that I found out that I was indeed an abuse victim. What kept me from going back was my gut instincts. I
knew instinctively that he wasn't going to change, and even though he promised me the sun, moon, stars and
universe, I knew I couldn't go back. Even though my family, who lived out of state, supported me emotionally, they
still blamed me until they learned more on the subject of domestic violence. I had a few friends from the
beginning who realized what had happened to me and supported me emotionally, and they helped to keep me
going and sane. But for the most part, until I started seeking help after 2 years, I was fighting an uphill battle by
myself. By forcing myself to do simple things that I was afraid to do, going to a shelter training class, joining a
wonderful support group, and finally purchasing my own fixer-upper house I was able to regain my self
confidence and self-esteem.
Advice to someone who is being abused?:
Educate yourself about domestic abuse and what it has done to you. You are a lot stronger and smarter than
you think you are, and you CAN get out! Just the fact that you are still alive and kicking proves it. Gather all the
strength and support networks you need to make your move, and then DO it when you are ready. Then DON'T
LOOK BACK!! You will want people around you who can give help and guidance, or just to lend a sympathetic
ear, but ultimately, the only one you can count on to take care of yourself is YOU! No one else can or will do it for
you. You are all you've got, so trust your gut instincts. Don't let anyone talk you into doing something that you
don't feel is right - ESPECIALLY you're abuser! Life might be extremely difficult and scary at first, but whatever
you do - DON'T GO BACK!! Life WILL get better. And always remember this - no matter what anybody says - you
didn't deserve to be treated like that, there is no excuse for what he's doing to you, and HE'S NOT WORTH IT!!
Without him you will have a life, with him - you won't!
courtesy of:
http://www.wadv.org/Survivors.htm
http://www.wadv.org/Survivors.htm
Witney's Lights
From Darkness to Light...Domestic Violence Stops Here!
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